Why we should be friendly but never familiar.
This very important lesson was taught to me by Mrs. Chow, the toughest yet best boss I ever had.
1989, during the hardest three weeks of my training at her fine dining Chinese restaurant, she enforced this one lesson every morning: Linda, be friendly never familiar with my customers because, it will cost me them. It will make them feel uncomfortable with you and they will not come back.
I really didn't understand all that the lesson had to teach but, I did as she asked until about five years later when and elderly couple who had been coming in for years engaged me in a conversation about myself. They asked about me and what my plans in life where. I told them I had been attending college and was about to graduate in nine months. Excited the elderly woman said she would like to gift me with a briefcase. I thanked her and said it wasn't necessary but she insisted on the gift.
Weeks went by and every time I saw them she would apologise for not having the gift for me. I said not to worry about it but, it weighed so heavy on her that eventually the elderly couple was so embarrassed by all the apologizing every time they saw me that they stopped coming in. Just as Mrs. Chow had said it would happen if I became familiar with them. I had cost her two customers.
That lesson struck deep with me and I began thinking of how that simple lesson could apply to my life in a more broader sense. Could being familiar with others cost me friendships? I was trying to find out why so many, of what I thought were close friendship and family relationships, went so wrong? How could I be laughing and sharing intimate stories with someone until the wee hours of the morning and then within a month or so be the subject of their outwardly discontent that started with distancing themselves to blatantly shunning me? Then the gossiping whispers begin that built into a full blown brake in the relationship that ended with harsh words like, bitch, lier and ass hole. Friends and family members where forced to take sides and pick from the two of us and it was the one that most benefited them according to: distance to drive to see them and who has the boat or Red Wings tickets that always won out. But why? What happened that caused the chain of events that lead to forcing friends to choose one over the other? And why in the Hell does it keep happening especially with people you haven't know for a very long time like the new in- law or friend in the group?
Ever wonder why someone you have met relatively recently has just opened up a blurted out a very personal event in their life to you? I'll bet you were either flattered and think that they must think you're a trust worthy and wise person or, they are complete idiots for having done so. Either way you have just been set up by their action for a situation you do not want to be in.
Because people feel the deep need to unburden and liken themselves to others, they will share a deep secret with you, unburden themselves on you, thinking that will be of some comfort to them until, the fear of what they have just revealed sets in now you're seen as a possible threat.
To unburden yourself means to share your heavy burden,a sin or misdeed, with someone else. Oh yes, to have a friend to share your burden with. You have found someone who is like you. You feel like your not alone anymore. What a blessed thing to have, until you become fearful that the person you just shared your sin or burden with might become a threat. It doesn't matter if they are a real threat or not, you still feel that they may just expose your little dark ditty. The panic sets in and you begin thinking that maybe sharing that little secret with them was not such a good idea. So now what? Panic takes over their thoughts and you start plotting out ways to to cover your ass.
The fearful confessor starts distancing themselves from you, the secret holder, and pointing out all your misgivings and flaws to the peer group you both belong to. Then whispers turn to full blown gossip and your friends start avoiding you and invite only one or the other. You're labeled as a trouble maker. Then someone steps up and tells you that so and so has been talking shit behind your back. You become defensive and in attempts to defend your position you tell the bad deed that was told to you by that person in confidence and thus you became what they had feared. Their fear set the actions in motion to their own self foe-fulled prophecy and you where sucked into it.
It's a horrible cycle that happens over and over all too often. A friend or mate sets the action in motion with the telling of a secret that they later become fearful about. This causes them to set off a series of actions that lead to the unwanted situations you will find yourself in later. Most of us don't see what's really happening when we are in the middle of these unpleasant events and often blame other things rather than what's really happening, ignorance (thinking that sharing a burden unburdens you) , fear and self-mistrust (for if you couldn't keep a secret what makes you think they can?)
Ignorance: Ignorance, because we think that when we have done something that is so bad we need to share it with another will unburden us. We think that by confessing our horrible sins like adultery, steeling, cheating, lieing ... ect ect, we will be forgiven and that it will unburden us and that when we share it, it will some how make us feel better is False! All it does it burden another and all too often causes pain to them in one way or another. It's best to deal with the burden yourself if you have wronged someone. Take responsibility for it yourself. Often telling someone leads to situations no one wants. Confessing what you have done (unburdening yourself) means putting it on someone else's shoulders. Sharing a burden is not a kind thing to do to someone you care about especially when it was them that was wronged. So buck up and carry that wrong doing all by yourself why should two people feel bad about something one person did? If you simply can't deal with it yourself go see a priest for it was not the other person that did it so why should they have to deal with your pain?
Fear and self-mistrust: Most people can't handle all the repercussions that come after their great confession and look for ways to cover their asses putting the person they confided in, in a bad position. In the heat of the moment they just had to tell some one and they picked you. Oh shit! Now they think you hold power over them. You know something bad about them and they just now realize you could be a threat to them. You could tell their secret. They have a choice to make. They have to either trust you completely or do away with you. These fears stem from the person who has just confessed the wrong doing. They look into themselves and ask if they could keep such a juicy tid bit of information. Usually the answer is no. Because they could not be trusted with such info, what makes them think the person they told could? So they start actions to cover their ass, damage control. They distance themselves from the person holding the secret and begin picking them apart and bring their faults to light for others to see just in case their secret is ever reveled so that persons credibility would be at least doubted. Fear motivates them and starts a huge chain of events that end up being a self fulfilled prophecy come true. And the person they unburdened themselves to has to deal with unwanted situations they didn't need or ask for.
So whenever someone wants to confide in me I think twice about it. When someone starts telling me a deep secret or a confession, I back right off. No, I think that they can keep that little dark ditty all to themselves thank you very much. Unless you are a very close friend that I know has the utt most trust in me, like I was a bank with your life savings in it, unless I know you trust me like that, I don't want to hear your confession or know your secrets. I do not need to be the subject of your later fearful actions because you where in a manic state (gitty with joy at the new love you found while still married ) and told me then, it caused me to be ostracized from my family or friends because you later regretted telling me and had to cover your ass.
It is best not to know a friends secret confession because the price you may pay for them to unburden themselves, just might be using you as an escape goat or worse get you exiled just because you listened to their confession and are seen as a threat now.
When in doubt, stay friendly never familiar. You deal with your own burdens yourself like an adult for to share them is to only share the pain. People who really love each other don't burden others with things they can do nothing about except to wallow in the knowledge of it . Take responsibility for your own actions or see a priest or psychologist but leave your friends and family out of it especially if your the untrustworthy one. Telling a secret to someone then setting them on fire to burn for knowing it, is the most underhanded, week, pathetic thing one person can do to another yet, it happens everyday. The most unrecognized danger is,
"Psssst, come here I have a secret to tell you."
This was Taken from "Living Life Perfectly Imperfect" by Linda Pitt
I wish you all well. Love Linda :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLpfbcXTeo8
Thanks Phil!
This very important lesson was taught to me by Mrs. Chow, the toughest yet best boss I ever had.
1989, during the hardest three weeks of my training at her fine dining Chinese restaurant, she enforced this one lesson every morning: Linda, be friendly never familiar with my customers because, it will cost me them. It will make them feel uncomfortable with you and they will not come back.
I really didn't understand all that the lesson had to teach but, I did as she asked until about five years later when and elderly couple who had been coming in for years engaged me in a conversation about myself. They asked about me and what my plans in life where. I told them I had been attending college and was about to graduate in nine months. Excited the elderly woman said she would like to gift me with a briefcase. I thanked her and said it wasn't necessary but she insisted on the gift.
Weeks went by and every time I saw them she would apologise for not having the gift for me. I said not to worry about it but, it weighed so heavy on her that eventually the elderly couple was so embarrassed by all the apologizing every time they saw me that they stopped coming in. Just as Mrs. Chow had said it would happen if I became familiar with them. I had cost her two customers.
That lesson struck deep with me and I began thinking of how that simple lesson could apply to my life in a more broader sense. Could being familiar with others cost me friendships? I was trying to find out why so many, of what I thought were close friendship and family relationships, went so wrong? How could I be laughing and sharing intimate stories with someone until the wee hours of the morning and then within a month or so be the subject of their outwardly discontent that started with distancing themselves to blatantly shunning me? Then the gossiping whispers begin that built into a full blown brake in the relationship that ended with harsh words like, bitch, lier and ass hole. Friends and family members where forced to take sides and pick from the two of us and it was the one that most benefited them according to: distance to drive to see them and who has the boat or Red Wings tickets that always won out. But why? What happened that caused the chain of events that lead to forcing friends to choose one over the other? And why in the Hell does it keep happening especially with people you haven't know for a very long time like the new in- law or friend in the group?
Ever wonder why someone you have met relatively recently has just opened up a blurted out a very personal event in their life to you? I'll bet you were either flattered and think that they must think you're a trust worthy and wise person or, they are complete idiots for having done so. Either way you have just been set up by their action for a situation you do not want to be in.
Because people feel the deep need to unburden and liken themselves to others, they will share a deep secret with you, unburden themselves on you, thinking that will be of some comfort to them until, the fear of what they have just revealed sets in now you're seen as a possible threat.
To unburden yourself means to share your heavy burden,a sin or misdeed, with someone else. Oh yes, to have a friend to share your burden with. You have found someone who is like you. You feel like your not alone anymore. What a blessed thing to have, until you become fearful that the person you just shared your sin or burden with might become a threat. It doesn't matter if they are a real threat or not, you still feel that they may just expose your little dark ditty. The panic sets in and you begin thinking that maybe sharing that little secret with them was not such a good idea. So now what? Panic takes over their thoughts and you start plotting out ways to to cover your ass.
The fearful confessor starts distancing themselves from you, the secret holder, and pointing out all your misgivings and flaws to the peer group you both belong to. Then whispers turn to full blown gossip and your friends start avoiding you and invite only one or the other. You're labeled as a trouble maker. Then someone steps up and tells you that so and so has been talking shit behind your back. You become defensive and in attempts to defend your position you tell the bad deed that was told to you by that person in confidence and thus you became what they had feared. Their fear set the actions in motion to their own self foe-fulled prophecy and you where sucked into it.
It's a horrible cycle that happens over and over all too often. A friend or mate sets the action in motion with the telling of a secret that they later become fearful about. This causes them to set off a series of actions that lead to the unwanted situations you will find yourself in later. Most of us don't see what's really happening when we are in the middle of these unpleasant events and often blame other things rather than what's really happening, ignorance (thinking that sharing a burden unburdens you) , fear and self-mistrust (for if you couldn't keep a secret what makes you think they can?)
Ignorance: Ignorance, because we think that when we have done something that is so bad we need to share it with another will unburden us. We think that by confessing our horrible sins like adultery, steeling, cheating, lieing ... ect ect, we will be forgiven and that it will unburden us and that when we share it, it will some how make us feel better is False! All it does it burden another and all too often causes pain to them in one way or another. It's best to deal with the burden yourself if you have wronged someone. Take responsibility for it yourself. Often telling someone leads to situations no one wants. Confessing what you have done (unburdening yourself) means putting it on someone else's shoulders. Sharing a burden is not a kind thing to do to someone you care about especially when it was them that was wronged. So buck up and carry that wrong doing all by yourself why should two people feel bad about something one person did? If you simply can't deal with it yourself go see a priest for it was not the other person that did it so why should they have to deal with your pain?
Fear and self-mistrust: Most people can't handle all the repercussions that come after their great confession and look for ways to cover their asses putting the person they confided in, in a bad position. In the heat of the moment they just had to tell some one and they picked you. Oh shit! Now they think you hold power over them. You know something bad about them and they just now realize you could be a threat to them. You could tell their secret. They have a choice to make. They have to either trust you completely or do away with you. These fears stem from the person who has just confessed the wrong doing. They look into themselves and ask if they could keep such a juicy tid bit of information. Usually the answer is no. Because they could not be trusted with such info, what makes them think the person they told could? So they start actions to cover their ass, damage control. They distance themselves from the person holding the secret and begin picking them apart and bring their faults to light for others to see just in case their secret is ever reveled so that persons credibility would be at least doubted. Fear motivates them and starts a huge chain of events that end up being a self fulfilled prophecy come true. And the person they unburdened themselves to has to deal with unwanted situations they didn't need or ask for.
So whenever someone wants to confide in me I think twice about it. When someone starts telling me a deep secret or a confession, I back right off. No, I think that they can keep that little dark ditty all to themselves thank you very much. Unless you are a very close friend that I know has the utt most trust in me, like I was a bank with your life savings in it, unless I know you trust me like that, I don't want to hear your confession or know your secrets. I do not need to be the subject of your later fearful actions because you where in a manic state (gitty with joy at the new love you found while still married ) and told me then, it caused me to be ostracized from my family or friends because you later regretted telling me and had to cover your ass.
It is best not to know a friends secret confession because the price you may pay for them to unburden themselves, just might be using you as an escape goat or worse get you exiled just because you listened to their confession and are seen as a threat now.
When in doubt, stay friendly never familiar. You deal with your own burdens yourself like an adult for to share them is to only share the pain. People who really love each other don't burden others with things they can do nothing about except to wallow in the knowledge of it . Take responsibility for your own actions or see a priest or psychologist but leave your friends and family out of it especially if your the untrustworthy one. Telling a secret to someone then setting them on fire to burn for knowing it, is the most underhanded, week, pathetic thing one person can do to another yet, it happens everyday. The most unrecognized danger is,
"Psssst, come here I have a secret to tell you."
This was Taken from "Living Life Perfectly Imperfect" by Linda Pitt
I wish you all well. Love Linda :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLpfbcXTeo8
Thanks Phil!
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